The Shark Ethic: Listen

Irv, I said, a bit perplexed, I didn't serve any subpoenas on you guys, and don't have any cases that involve you, not even as experts.  So I have zero reason--

Irv wasn't buying it.  The distillery case.  We're their accountants.

Not mine.  Never heard of it. Who's suing you?

He named them.  It was a class action.

No, again.  I've never been involved in a class action. I mean, never, as in never even seen a pleading in one. This is peculiar.  It simply isn't me.

You're Gurn Blanston?

Sure.  There's two of us, but the other one is a software engineer--

Is this your Bar number?  He read it to me.

I'll be damned, it is.  But again, I have no idea what you're talking about. Is it signed?

Yes, and you're shitting me.

No, no. Look, this should be easy.  Just fax me a copy of what you have there, and I'll call you back and tell you I didn't issue it.  There's simply been a mistake.

I headed to the firm's mail room where the fax was already spitting out pages.  Chrissy was still on my heels, and I could feel her question, the benefit of having worked with her for years.  Secretaries are, in many ways, the most powerful people in the office, and a good one is literally worth more than your arm, at least the non-dominant one, according to most state workers' compensation schemes.

I haven't looked at them yet, I said, referring to the phone messages.  As I pulled pages from the tray, she said, simply, why is everyone calling about this subpoena?

I glanced over the document.  It was a pretty standard subpoena duces tecum targeted at the accounting firm for detailed financial records of a major local distiller--

But there were a couple of problems. The subpoena was technically flawless, and would require the lawyers and accountants over at Advanced to pore over reams of paper and electronic documents in a very short period of time.  If they failed to comply, such a subpoena allows the judge to sanction--by fining or jailing--attorneys who don't comply...it's a form of contempt of court.  Judges basically hate it when lawyers waste their time.

Technically flawless, but from a professional courtesy standpoint, it was a roundhouse slap to the face.  Attorneys know the official discovery schedule in a lawsuit is insanely tight, so both sides at least attempt to negotiate what will be handed over before essentially going nuclear with a subpoena.  The reason is simple:  attorneys see each other repeatedly over their careers, and they remember how you treat them.  Professional courtesy, and the rep you build with it, is worth more than your dominant arm and your secretary.

The other problem both amused and bemused me at first.  Someone had used my Bar number to file a pleading in a case that wasn't mine--and forged my signature at the bottom. I was pretty sure that was a felony and a tort, so somebody was going to jail, and somebody was going to pay.

The phone calls are all about this subpoena?  I waved the sheaf at her.

Yes, she said, all from different firms, but I've never heard--

Neither have I.  I have to talk to Jerry.

She nodded.  I gathered up the fax and the messages, and strode down to Jerry's office, a block away in another corner.

Look at this, I said, tossing the fax on his desk.  Some idiot forged my name on a bunch of subpoenas, like I wasn't gonna know. I'll sue them tomorrow.  I'd do it today, but I have to fly to Denver.

Jerry grinned hugely, and pushed his chair back from the document staring up at him from the blotter.

Oh, he said, with a dismissive wave.  That was me.

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